Chinglish

The Chinese English is completely unfathomable. Whenever Madhur travels back from China or Malaysia I take a day and then remind him he is back in a land which speaks Hinglish. 
A typical conversation would go something like this. But first let me ask u to keep your minds open and read each word aloud and exactly as I print it. I know I make spelling mistakes but this time there is a reason and meaning behind it. Ok here goes. 
Oh - another thing. When they meet you, anywhere in a mall in the hotel reception, in a loo, in the massage room, even in the midst of a mud wrestling fight.- they will say swadeekaa. And the aaa will end with a shrill nasal note. Its a perfected art. Taught as soon as they are potty trained. 
" swadeekaaa " said the driver. " u go where? Aaahh ? "( by now u HAVE to talk like them.) " go to lamai beach " " lamai beach aaah. Ok ok". " so where u stay " we ask. " boputtt. (which is actually bop hut)   And whey u fron? " " india ". " aaaahh. India aaaahh. Ok ok. U come on honeymoon? " " no no. We come holiday " " u ave childrun? " ." yes have.  2.". "aaahh ok ok. ". 

While bargaining. - " how much? I take 3. Make good price"  so she gets out the calculator and writes an astronomical amount on it. " no no. Better. Better". " she writes another price and says " for u only I do".  Then u grab the calculator and write a ridiculous amount.   And she says. " no can. No can !". Then u say " can do. Can do". Finally she says " ok ok! U good me good. " and taps another amount in the calculator. U purchase ur goodie, both smile knowingly and you walk away. 

In a restaurant. -  " we vegetarian. You make this dish without pork ( they are obssessed with pork. Pork chips, pork straws, pork fried...  Piggy mania). ". " yes can. ". So u sit down in the restaurant and look at the menu. By then the waiter is next to u with the drinks menu and has already said " swadeekaaa" thrice.  U ask " what this dish. What it have? " ( I am sure u are now getting worried about my English and having severe doubts about communicating with me ever again) " aaahh thidish ( no spelling mistakes as yet. Pl keep reading). It ha mudrooms and pagetttiii. Vegeterianaaa". " ok. We take this. " it works up an appetite I tell u. 

Again while going back home. -  " bad traffic huh? ". Cab driver says " oooh yaaa. Vedy baaaad. it take aavvar to leach anywhey. Vedy bad traafeec. ". 

I prefer Hinglish folks. Chinglish makes my palate feels ticklish.