Pat Phong

Blog

The king is not at all keen to have his pictures adorn the walls of "open pussy" shows. I knew it. Why let on, how you can manage to live like a " king". 
We went to Pat Phong yesterday. The seedier seamier side of this city. Everything Bangkok has been said it can be. 
We exited the taxi right outside a by lane ( all the bars etc are in by-lanes. Demarcated into various sins.) this lane looked busy and noisy with lots of signs reading " boys" and other names of that species. I was all ready to go in, but madhur backed up, rather White  in face. "no way am I going in there. Aaage chal". It was all gay. With men on men shows. I peeped in to see if I could see any women, and if this is where women would go for a show. Saw a few, but they could well have been men. The famous " lady boys". 
A man, and I have not seen a more weird looking one...  He had makeup all over his face. It was a decent face, and I yet wonder why he had on so much make up? Pink makeup, running with sweat, earned due to MBA form of marketing. All firms should pick up their marketing managers from here. These guys can sell to make straight men gay and vice versa. Ofcourse beauty companies should not hire them for makeup sales for very obvious reasons. 
These men have printed cards. I saw one, peeking over Madhur's shoulder. The list went-- Pussy show. Half pussy show. Open pussy show. Eat banana show. Wet show. Full sex show. Sexy girl show. U get the gist?  He insisted that we can see the insides before we pay "onee undled bhaaat per pelsun. ". Madhur was very iffy, because earlier I had mighty huge and colossal reservations and an extremely closed mind about this. Turning 40 was a nice thing to happen. And I insisted we go in. Walked up seedy staircase avoiding touching the Walls, and we were faced with topless women on a level standing next to poles. One woman's face caught my attention. The show was about to start. This woman was old. Wrinkled. And definitely in her 50's. She looked sad. There she was standing, idle waiting for the show to begin, the entire audience staring at them, and it made me feel a bit sick at heart. I guess they are used to this and it's no big deal, but I would like to think that they would love to be offered another job. Wishful hopes I know!! 
So we walked out, within 30 seconds and now the man insisted on knowing what we felt lacking. 
Great experience all in all. 
Then we went shopping in that area. Bought a few t shirts, etc. Sat in a taxi which insisted " we get out" if we want to pay by metre. So while getting off in the safety of our hotel doors I told him that he is a pig in Hindi. And asked him to go find out the meaning. N just before closing the taxi door i very sweetly told him the meaning. 
Seeing his red furious face, and seeing him drive the taxi away, tyres screeching,  made my day. 

Chinglish

The Chinese English is completely unfathomable. Whenever Madhur travels back from China or Malaysia I take a day and then remind him he is back in a land which speaks Hinglish. 
A typical conversation would go something like this. But first let me ask u to keep your minds open and read each word aloud and exactly as I print it. I know I make spelling mistakes but this time there is a reason and meaning behind it. Ok here goes. 
Oh - another thing. When they meet you, anywhere in a mall in the hotel reception, in a loo, in the massage room, even in the midst of a mud wrestling fight.- they will say swadeekaa. And the aaa will end with a shrill nasal note. Its a perfected art. Taught as soon as they are potty trained. 
" swadeekaaa " said the driver. " u go where? Aaahh ? "( by now u HAVE to talk like them.) " go to lamai beach " " lamai beach aaah. Ok ok". " so where u stay " we ask. " boputtt. (which is actually bop hut)   And whey u fron? " " india ". " aaaahh. India aaaahh. Ok ok. U come on honeymoon? " " no no. We come holiday " " u ave childrun? " ." yes have.  2.". "aaahh ok ok. ". 

While bargaining. - " how much? I take 3. Make good price"  so she gets out the calculator and writes an astronomical amount on it. " no no. Better. Better". " she writes another price and says " for u only I do".  Then u grab the calculator and write a ridiculous amount.   And she says. " no can. No can !". Then u say " can do. Can do". Finally she says " ok ok! U good me good. " and taps another amount in the calculator. U purchase ur goodie, both smile knowingly and you walk away. 

In a restaurant. -  " we vegetarian. You make this dish without pork ( they are obssessed with pork. Pork chips, pork straws, pork fried...  Piggy mania). ". " yes can. ". So u sit down in the restaurant and look at the menu. By then the waiter is next to u with the drinks menu and has already said " swadeekaaa" thrice.  U ask " what this dish. What it have? " ( I am sure u are now getting worried about my English and having severe doubts about communicating with me ever again) " aaahh thidish ( no spelling mistakes as yet. Pl keep reading). It ha mudrooms and pagetttiii. Vegeterianaaa". " ok. We take this. " it works up an appetite I tell u. 

Again while going back home. -  " bad traffic huh? ". Cab driver says " oooh yaaa. Vedy baaaad. it take aavvar to leach anywhey. Vedy bad traafeec. ". 

I prefer Hinglish folks. Chinglish makes my palate feels ticklish. 

Bangkok

We were staying in Silavadee in Samui. Sila would mean stone and a rough translation of Vadee in this case would mean flora and fauna, or the surroundings. We left Samui today and I carried most of the stones with me - in my heart. It was one of the most gorgeous places i have seen. We were taken for a roller coster buggy ride when we checked in. The entire property is set on a cliff with facilities on various levels. We were taken to our rooms,  barely surviving the near death experience of a buggy going downhill, - while backing up. We decided to walk henceforth. 
As soon as the doors were opened we realised the room is still far away. This was just the main door and in front of us stretched the sea, blue blue sea at a level way below us. The Infiniti pool hung on the edge of this cliff. There was a view from the room, from the other room, from all sides of the Infiniti pool and from the bed. A view we left behind with heavy stone ridden hearts. 
I was subconciously humming "one night in Bangkok" all the way in the flight. Wrong. All wrong. Where a few years ago existed seedy seamy streets, with gay bars, porn DVD shops, night clubs, sex shows and the works, now existed hi tech flyovers, few over many more. Of course, we were told, all of that still exists and the economy and the king ( whose pictures adorn the entrance of every shop, and I want to know if they also adorn the seedier side shop entrances) earns his keep thru them. 
We went to the 64th Flr of a hotel To the rightly named sirocco and sky bar. I was enthralled with the food, the view and even more by the women on the table next to us. I was told by my very knowledgeable husband that they were the famous " lady boys". The same ones we see on the road in India clapping their hands outside car windows. Only here I would be damned if you could make out. The reason I suspected was one " woman" had a face which unfortunately resembled a horse. And a little later my suspicions were vindicated. They were solemnly soliciting at the bar. I hope they were unceremoniously thrown out later. 

Koh Samui

A man named Pooh came in to our room to re load the Internet n wifi. He looked like one too,round faced and plump. Spoke like a pooh too! It takes a day to understand the "Chinese " English. They talk like my little nephew,who has just turned into a parrot. Repeats everything you say, but yet misses a few letters and syllables. Now the Thais are not a rude race at all. So when we asked our driver's name and he said a very definate "no", we were both stunned. Both of us fell back on our seats, from our upright chatty positions from just a few seconds ago. This must be happening to all his passengers. He started chuckling and showed us his card. His name was "Nok". They simply leave out alphabets n syllables. Similarly we met "chalk" though we did not meet "cheese". .. As yet!
We have a little "infiniti" pool, which hangs off the cliff into the sea. Madhur and me spent a few hours chatting and swimming. You can now call me "toasted".
I hate lays and I love wafers / crisps that are fried in true blue oil, without claiming to be "quick fried / baked and or low calorie.". If u have to eat them, to my mind, eat them. Savour the oily flavour that fills your mouth, with pure salt and black pepper. It has a satisfaction of itself. Something soul touching and memory captivating. A packet of kettle and a few beers later I was ready to do anything. Luckily they don't have cliff diving or bungee jumping on this island.
We had the most amazing dinner on top of rocks tonight. The sound of the sea just a few feet away from us, 2 bottles of wine and a deadly combination of romance and friendship.
Oohh. And the lady who served us was called " fron". U are right. I asked her " from where?"

Koh Samui

We arrived after a long flight and barely 3 hours of sleep in
our systems. But the minute we landed in koh Samui we both felt instant
draining of toxic levels and a breath of fresh air - puns intended. There was
this man - I could feel his excitement. And no he wa not drunk, I know that.
He was the first up from his seat, when the flight landed. Infact the air
hostess announced that we should all stay seated till the air plane is
pArked.(imagine a irresponsibly parked plane taking off downhill ?!!) then he was
the first in the exit and I swear I saw him trip at least thrice. Once from the
flight to the exit and the second time when he was looping over the staircase
like a teenager running for the doors after school, and the last that I saw was him
embarking from the small cute, buggy car which took us from the plane to the
thatched roof airport.I had my eyes on him, I could not help it, much to
madhur's irritation for not paying attention to the luggage,which was not
coming in! I just could not help it, he was so excited. Ooops did I forget to
mention his age?? Uhhh! Rough estimation - late 50's.
Now what is it with these Japanese folks? The guy leaves his wife, the wife
leaves her husband and the both leave their luggage all over the place in
trollies which have a mind of their own, all over the airport, trying to click
every square inch on a small efficient camera. He walked into the loo with his
camera going click click click, and I don't want to know what he clicked in
there. I know he did, cause i was in the adjacent loo and I heard sssss, click
, SSS click.
The airport was full of people from cold countries escaping,but ofcourse,the
cold. How did I know ?? Well the loo was filled with men and women desperately
stepping out of appx 6 layers of clothes into Skimpy shorts and tees, and hand
bags filled with thick furry jackets, which I heard one family describing in
detail how they would throw every piece in the sea and with what degree of
glee.
The hotel beats description. I will post pictures of the room with the view
later. The only way I can explain the gorgeousness of it all was I forgot to
pee. I wandered around like a drug addict in a store giving away free drugs,
and with my jaw dropping over the cliff I was standing over. Madhur had to
unwind the bandage he finally wrapped around my jaw to push it back in place.
Needless to say he did it only during dinner, leaving it intact during our
evening walk in the fisher mans village.
That in itself was a Experience. It was a friday street market and the thais'
were making cocktails on the street. Complete with ice and shaker and the
fringes. If only I could do this in the Anand melas held in Mumbai. What a
killing i would make?
Dinner was in a restaurant called - hold ur breath. Nope that was not the name - I am asking you to hold
your breath as I tell u the name. Ok. Inhale. - name of restaurant was
ORGASMIC. Now exhale. Arreee exhale. That's better!
It was truly ORGASMIC. The food. The alcohol. The dessert and the bar tender.